Ep 101 - Edited
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[00:00:00] So Kylie, tell me, are you an actress or are you a singer?"
And no one's actually asking which one she's better at. They're actually asking her, "So pick an identity, and pick one, and just park the other one because you can only really have one."
But what I'm trying to really call out here,that it's the skill that earns her the category, right?
So what if that skill is actually the thing that keeps you from being able to progress to that bigger room, to that next evolution of your identity?
Welcome to the Style and Strategy Podcast, where leadership meets personal brand and style. I'm Sonya. I'm bringing you practical strategies, bold insights, and honest conversations to help you amplify your presence, unlock your next level, and lead with clarity and confidence
So those that know me [00:01:00] pretty well, know I am very much addicted to anything in the, Taylor Sheridan, uh, universe. So I'd recently just caught up on Dutton Ranch. So the evening was free, and, I have already gone through most of the Taylor Sheridan universe. So I actually sat down to watch the Kylie, documentary, and that is Kylie Minogue documentary, not the other Kylie.
So, you know, while I was watching that, uh, she was actually talking about how she was 19 at the very start of when she kind of stepped into this world of fame. And there is one question in the interview that she brought to life in saying that being 19 at that age, she was asked this question constantly.
And the question that, came to mind was, " So Kylie, tell me, are you an actress or are you a singer?" And while I was [00:02:00] actually watching that and thinking about her response and that actual question, I really thought about some of the challenges that many of us have today, whether in leadership or not, but around identity.
And no one's actually asking which one she's better at. They're actually asking her, " So pick an identity, and pick one, and just park the other one because you can only really have one." And that is the only way that the external world can really, make sense of you to them. And so through this interview, she keeps saying, "Well, I kinda wanna be both right now.
I'm still trying to figure out which one I'm pulled to, and I wanna be both." And although that was a really long time ago for her, uh, now, that whole conversation stayed with me because I've been sitting in that same sort of conversation with so many women as [00:03:00] I've chatted through them, whether they be clients or not.
So many different identities they're kind of working through, trying to figure it out. And also around, like, the different rooms that they're in and the different worlds, and who they need to be in one room versus another. you know, am I a mom? Am I a working mom? am I a more decisive person versus not?
Um, who do I need to be in that space? And so with all that sort of buzzing around in my mind, I come back to this question about Kylie. The question was never about her singing or her acting, so much as to where can we park you? Where, where can we box you in? And that is the bit that really got to me because that is the part worth slowing down on And so in today's episode of Style and Strategy, this is what I wanna really dive into a little bit more and unpack a little bit more.
When you [00:04:00] think about that whole concept that I've been talking about, a room that you walk into is gonna hold an enormous amount of complexity. Whether that's at work, and so it's about a project, a market, a set of numbers, all of those things. It holds so much less about the individual that walks into that room.
So to define individuals, everybody wants to put a category on you, and that category is almost always what you are known for. So to give you a little bit of an example around that, it might be the operator, so therefore you're this safe pair of hands. Or the one who's really good at people, with people.
Or maybe you're the commercial one or the guy that tells the stories, right? And, you know, some of these become our identity and if they sit with you well and they really resonate, then that's fantastic. because each one is probably some sort of a compliment [00:05:00] that sits, behind it. But it's for those individuals this episode's really for, where it's the woman that's sitting behind there going, "Yeah, but I'm more than that.
don't box me into that space." Right? Um, and where the room is defining who she is without her actually saying, "Well, hang on a second. Am I okay with that?" And so when you think about that, uh, all those examples really, she does... Likely it, it ticks the boxes because she does it well, right? Um-
But what I'm trying to really call out here,that it's the skill that earns her the category, right? So what if that skill is actually the thing that keeps you from being able to progress to that bigger room, to that next evolution of your identity? And I've watched it happen many times, and, you know, even if I [00:06:00] reflect back on times in my early career around this, where I was a certain thing in one room, and then to really shift and own other elements of my identity, it required a real stretch and a push, and one which I had to be feel really confident and comfortable, uh, in Because I'd already made that decision internally that I no longer wanted to be defined as that one thing.
I wanted to be defined so much more. And so many of the clients that I've worked with or the women that I've had conversations with around it, they're usually at this tipping point, this transition point at which they've said, "I'm good with this definition of me and I know I've got that nailed, but actually I've been growing in this other space and I now wanna shift that narrative and I wanna control the narrative that's being said about me [00:07:00] even in the rooms that I'm not in anymore."
So let me give you a couple of examples of what could be playing out behind the scenes and what, what might be happening, and what it can potentially, uh, I would say, cost you in both energy and thinking, and what are some steps you can take going forward. So the first thing is this. So if you think about a particular room that defines you, right?
It doesn't mean that that other half of you or that new identity that you're trying to develop is parked, right? you decide somewhere between the minute you walk in the door somewhere, which version of you is going to show up there in, in that space. And so you take that, and then you park the other one for a moment
So then what can actually happen is you do it for this meeting, then before [00:08:00] you know it, over time, it's becomes this regular piece where you've parked this element of your identity to one side long enough that you stop feeling connected to who you really are, right?
And a lot of the times you can't catch yourself doing it because it's actually become second nature, right? Um, sometimes we can call it we start to edit who we are. it can be that you start to put on a slightly different facade of you And it really leans into going, well, this is how I need to operate in those rooms, and it feels like this is what gives me success.
However, the area that I'm trying to call out here is what it costs you in, I'm gonna describe it as energy. And if you've been listening to the podcast for a while, you know I like to really, um, talk about where your energy gets depleted, given certain activities around that. [00:09:00] And so if I think about it, leadership, when you are leading your teams, bringing your whole self, uh, within that particular system, requires energy.
It requires a hell of a lot of energy to do it in a way, where you are holding for others, you're holding for yourself, you're managing, you know, all of those elements together. However, when you start to end up in an area where you feel like you're performing a version of yourself, that actually requires extra energy.
And, if you've done any profiling as, as such, things like that, you'll be able to see different ways in which this is exposed. You know, if I use the example of DISC profiling, you know, and you've seen a comparison between your natural state or how you may operate in certain, um, environments, you know, if you're seeing that distance between the two, [00:10:00] you know, that distance may be required, to operate in those environments.
However, it's that shift that requires over time means that you're expending more, kind of energy to, operate in that environment. And so therefore-
when you're having to perform like that, it's effectively like you're running a second job underneath every underneath just showing up day to day. and it's keeping a part of who you are to, to kind of one side. And no one really accounts for that second job that you've gotta hold. There's no one line for it.
Uh, you might feel it on a Thursday afternoon or a Friday afternoon when there's nothing left and you think, "I am absolutely exhausted, uh, mentally and physically." So you think it's just the workload, but if you are running this second theme sitting underneath it, [00:11:00] that is also taking away from the energy you're bringing, every day
So the next question becomes, well, what can you do about it? How can you observe it? What are the, some of those steps, around them? So the very first piece is awareness. So I'd say today I'd love for you to just have a think as you are going into work, going into a... going out with friends, any of those elements, what part of you are you showing up as?
What part of you are you potentially parking to one side? And is that draining you? Is that taking away, from you as the whole individual, or is it something that you feel like it becomes a performance that it becomes so draining for you? And so actually say it out loud, 'cause the awareness is one piece, and then the second one is actually communicate it out loud on the way home
I guess [00:12:00] make it more concrete what version of you did they get today? And that starts to help you unpack and notice where are those rooms requiring more of you versus less? Which one are you more comfortable with? where are there opportunities to potentially make some adjustments?
This same part can also play a role in when you're getting dressed as well.
This also can play into what you decide to wear in the morning. especially if it's a subconscious action that is occurring, it may be because in the morning you're reaching for a particular outfit that won't draw a comment. Or vice versa. It might be that you are very attuned to it, so therefore you are deliberately making some strategic choices around what you're putting on in the morning. And I [00:13:00] am certainly not talking about trying to look the part or anything like that because if you've listened for a while, you know that's not part of, my philosophy.
And so this is that element where why I like to talk about style meeting leadership, right, is because sometimes it's never about the clothes. It's about the decision fatigue. It's about how much of you is actually coming through, whether it be the meeting at work, at your whole self with friends and beyond
We all know that within leadership, adapting to a room is a leadership skill, right? Any executive, knows that and operates in that space. because reading the ro- room, adjusting, meeting the people where they're at, that is just part of that, role. However, what you need to be aware of is where you're having to adapt yourself [00:14:00] continuously, where it becomes an energy drainer or a cost
and where and how you can bring more of you into that room. So Kylie was 19 when she was first asked to pick, and as far as I can tell, she never did. She just kept doing both here and there, and obviously she's leaned more into music, as the years went on, and eventually that question just stopped being asked.
And so this week I want you to really think about when you walk into those rooms, which half of you didn't make it in and why?
and were you aware of it? I would love to hear your thoughts and comments as, you go through this process. You know where to find me. Drop me a DM, drop me an email. always love hearing, your thoughts, and I'll speak to you soon
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